Darkened Mind

[Son of Marth]

Darkness, demons, plus repression,

Tormenting my mind in depression,

Voices, blood, and even death,

A sight I witness with every breath.

Speaking to me in the back of my mind,

The source of this voice I cannot find,

I cannot help it, I've gone insane,

Keep my knife away from my veins.

In the midst of the darkened nights,

A fight I lose against this fright,

To have to see all my friends,

Meet with such unfortunate ends.

Why is this shit happening to me?

Why am I the one who has to see?

Why can't I control any of my thoughts?

Look at all the pain they've brought!

Why can't it all come to an end,

Without any of my friends dead?

Why won't these thought stay locked in a cell!?

Why can't these demons just burn in hell...

[Ninmast]

The rhyming is good, it connects well for the most part, but I think it was rather melodramatic, like you were overreacting and laying it on a little too heavy. It was like the reaction was disproportionate to the situation. Also, using such coarse language as swear words in poetry disrupts the flow. With so many thousands of words in the English language, you can afford to sift through a few synonyms to preserve the feeling of continuity. That's just my opinion on it.