Post by Lyn Maliodis on Jul 26, 2010 11:54:49 GMT -5
Well, I have written some stuff poetically recently & I figured I might as well post it here. So umm....yeah, comment on it & whatever. Sorry if the stuff's fairly depressing & such. It literally just rushes into my mind & once I start typing I can't stop until I'm finished. Here's they are:
Something I Made Up In My Sleep
How is it, God
That you can't see
This emptiness engulfing me?
At first I thought,
How can this be?
Why was the one I loved taken from me?
The days went by & I saw my end,
That tunnel of light was around the next bend.
But before I took that turn I heard a call
At the store, in the mall.
I turned to a familiar voice,
To see a friend, the one of choice.
I wanted to say something, anything at all.
Something caught in my throat,
& the noise I made sounded like a dying boat.
I coughed & a substance arose.
A dark red liquid,
Like that of a rose.
I swallowed it back down & pretended nothing happened.
As the day continued,
I stood by this beauty,
Then the bell rang & I had to return to my duty.
The days went by & my thoughts deterred.
Had you seen my despair,
Had she truly returned?
A few days ago,
I did something dumb,
& the look she gave me.
It made me go numb.
Disbelieving, unsure.
Unaware of what's to come.
I felt like I was being avoided after that.
That little mistake made her cautious of me.
I was positive of that.
My little blasphemy,
I had ruined my chance,
A hope for what could have been,
My very last romance.
Could she forgive me?
Or am I at the end of my rope?
I guess the only thing I have left...
Is to hope.
Another Poem
The year's go by
& as I age,
I find I lose a lot
At each & every stage.
But recently,
It's hurt the most
My guard disappeared,
Lifted by a ghost.
My armor was gone,
Forever I thought,
Then I found
It was all for naught.
My heart hurt,
And I looked down,
This orange shirt had turned,
It became an unnatural shade of brown.
As I checked my stomach,
I soon found the cause,
I was bleeding,
There was even the plasmic gause.
Tears ran down,
My frozen cheeks,
My color faded,
To that of the snowiest peaks,
And there she stood,
The lady herself,
Staring as I tried to gain control of myself.
I'm sorry! I cried,
I knew not what I did
But then I died,
I commited the worst kind of sin.
A Poem for the Departed
The Siren gets up with a start,
Awoken by the beating of a dying teen's heart.
She is moved by this boy,
The one with red hair.
She sings to him her song
& sees his face is fair.
There's a hole in his stomach,
A tiny crevasse.
He had been wounded by complete & total love,
His eyes were as black as the depths of space.
He had lost the one he cared for
And his heart had burst,
His need for her was like an unquenchable thirst,
& then he died, a smile on his face.
He had moved on to see his loved one,
He was with her now in a better place.
A Day In My Head
The teen lays there gasping,
His dream has returned,
The scenery had shaken,
His visions deterred.
The boy used to run from a symbiote or two,
But that dream has gone,
It has been replaced anew.
The world had changed from summer to spring,
He looked around & discovered the familiar ring,
A promise he had made,
A long time ago,
Echoed through his head,
He whispered 'I know'.
The scenery had changed,
From bedroom to night,
He heard her crying,
He turned to answer her plight.
Transfixed upon the girl inside,
The sight of a hospital,
Did she reside,
The tears came unwillingly,
He didn't want them to flow,
He knew what would happen next,
He knew she would have to go.
By knife or needle,
By fire or gun,
She would lay there in pain,
Until death be redone,
His hand would be the one to do it,
For if anyone else tried,
Her pain would just be doubled,
And she would still preside.
And everytime he gathered up the courage,
She'd move farther away,
Taunting him,
For a night & a day.
The ring is on her finger,
The engraving glows blue,
It says "I'll always protect you,
I truly love you'.
At that point her death is quick,
His tears covered the blade,
And as they fell to the floor,
The scene would again change,
It was now quiet,
He was in an empty glade.
A grave lays in front,
Her name eched in stone,
His eyes lay upon the name,
And he lets out a moan,
The dream ends here,
His heart gives out,
His last noise is a groan.
Drenched in his sweat,
He gets out of bed,
He goes to the bathroom,
And washes his face; Hoping to clear his head.
The dream replays,
Again & again,
Then he must wonder,
Does he deserve all this dread?
A couple hours pass,
And he heads to school,
He's happy to see his friends,
He thinks they're really cool.
They all joke around.
He joins in too,
They talk about memories & shows,
He's glad they never ask about you.
There was a time,
She was brought up once,
And he just shuts down,
Then they changed subject; Saying he looks like a dunce.
His thoughts had changed too,
To that of a girl,
The one roaming the city,
And he thought of the hurtle.
This was an issue,
This little nightmare,
It involved his ex-girlfriend,
Would she even care?
The day would go by,
And he looks just fine,
But the thought trouble him,
Could he keep her?
Would she call him 'mine'?
He would meet her later,
And spend his time with her,
Time that was running out,
Or so he was told,
But he is unsure.
And then,
As night falls,
This poem will repeat,
The one of that teen,
Whose heart has given in to defeat....
Another Dreaded Thing
I'm feeling different,
Though not unlike before,
I feel like I'm being toyed,
This relationship was never for my pleasure,
It was nothing at all.
This is the story of my life,
Short, sad, & true.
It's really not my fault,
That the only thing on my mind is you.
It's shame I admit,
That you don't feel the same,
It's driving me crazy,
Why can't I be tame?
I just wanted someone,
I felt I could trust,
But for some reason this time,
I already feel the rust.
The trying has crumbled,
I no longer care,
& for a time now I'll always just stare,
Not at anyone,
Nowhere at all,
I'll let the world crumble,
I'll let it all fall.
Something More Personal
There was another,
I could once trust,
Mainly because I told myself,
I have to place my faith in her; I must.
I was lied to,
I knew it had happened,
Again & again,
My emotions dampened.
My heart was being toyed with,
I even think it is now,
I mean; who completely ignores their boyfriend?
How bad must I feel betrayed towards thou?
You became oblivious to me,
As if I wasn't even there,
You ignored me entirely,
I might as well have been as invisible as air.
The moment he showed up,
You brushed me aside,
The unrealness of this relationship,
It made my reality collide.
I want things to work,
But I can't handle much more of this,
I hope we can work things out,
I don't want this to end with nothing but a hiss.
But the look you had given me,
It was ever so rude,
This look was one of hate,
Of rejection, it was crude.
I'm not going to lie,
I felt depressed,
This feeling you have me on,
It's getting me stressed.
If this keeps on going,
Then I don't think this will last,
If this keeps on going,
Then this may become nothing more than the past.
Betrayed Again
I knew this was coming,
I could feel it in my bones,
I've been used again,
These sticks were accompanied by stones.
I'm glad I had already decided to end it,
You were unaware at the time,
I no longer felt compassion towards you,
I had thought of it as some kind of crime.
I know in my heart now,
That this had been a sign,
I did not truly love her,
I could not call her mine.
However, now my head is jumbled,
I don't know what to do,
My thoughts are on another,
But I'm not sure if I should ask you.
I will not ask just yet,
I know it is too soon,
But will it be too late by then?
Will I be stuck in some sort of monsoon?
Anyways,
Until that day,
My depression will consume me,
I'll just sit by you until this year's end.
Hoping that you don't see through me...
Fading Tears & Recoiling Emotions
My life has been fading,
Since that fated day,
My mind lays in ruins,
But everyone's forcing me to stay.
I just want to end it,
This stress has been killing me,
But they're always there supporting,
They're telling me that I'm free.
I once heard a song,
It spoke of things I would do,
Like slaving for love,
& the constant running too.
I hate being a coward,
My fears always consume me,
I've also been selfish,
I'm not lying; truly.
The people are there,
They always chew me out,
If I tell them I want to disappear,
They just begin to shout.
I apologize hastily,
But they continue on,
It gives me a headache,
Why can't this feeling begone?
Why must my smile be fake?
Why must I be so kind?
Why can't I just be me?
You know what? I'll just...no, never mind.
I might as well continue,
Changing as I move,
From a child, to an adult,
Then somewhere in between that groove.
I'm being pushed beyond my limits,
Unable to move forward,
Without that simple command,
I'll just remain here; stiff as a board.
Why do I make myself suffer?
Why do I help people out?
I always just get the consequences,
I'm always left wanting to shout.
I once heard a phrase,
I heard it out of the blue,
Life is like a game we play,
I thought was fairly true.
I've always been good at games,
It's always come naturally,
Never thinking, always solving,
Never stopping drastically.
Then why is this game so hard?
Why can't I cruise through it?
Why am I always failing?
But I am unable to lose it?
I'm sick of these second chances.
Of these, newfound feelings & thoughts,
Why can't they go away?
My head feels like it's being twisted into knots.
I'll wrap this up,
Quick, simple, & fast,
I'm sick of waiting for this moment,
How long will this last?
Clouded By These Thoughts Of You
My mind has wandered,
My thoughts are of you,
I did not want them there,
But you saw that they made it through.
A future I had once thought,
Had been lost forever,
It seems that was naught,
We might actually be together.
Despite my protesting,
My hopes are starting to rise,
My instincts keep telling me,
'Why do you believe in her lies?'
I don't believe that's what they are,
Cause I look back at that time,
I lived with my mom then,
This was before I began to rhyme.
She showed no signs of lying,
Of frustration nor guilt,
I didn't know what she saw in me,
The one scrawnily built.
I can not think straight,
This thought is roaming free,
This thought about another chance,
About you & about me.
A part of me still disagrees,
It often drives me mad,
Like a dog when it has fleas.
I've already decided,
What I'm going to do,
But I'll leave you guessing,
Until I next see you...
Untitled
Depression again,
Has taken its toll,
It's eating away at me,
From the very depths of my soul.
Why must I feel like this?
Everything was going so well,
But now I feel so empty,
As if I'm back on my one-way trip to hell.
I'm sitting here dizzy,
Overwhelmed by my thoughts,
My instincts, my fears,
All these mixed & matched knots.
I have a headache,
This feeling's taken control,
I'll just stay right here waiting,
Until this depression is done with its toll.
I just want this to end,
Or was is it about to start?
I don't know; however,
I do know that I played my part.
I'm always the fool,
Sometimes I play cupid,
But that's all I can do,
Or else people just think I'm stupid.
My hopes always rise,
Then they all fall,
I guess this could be,
Compared to a ball.
I'll sit right here waiting,
This annoying person of me,
Even though I know that future,
Will probably never be....
A Smile
I can't believe it,
It must not be true,
I've never been happier,
Since I've spent this time with you.
I didn't have to fake it,
A smile or mood,
You're the only thing on my mind,
Well, you & maybe some food.
I really like this feeling,
I want this to last,
I never want to let this go,
I won't let it fade into the past.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
But I must see you once more,
Your presence to me is like a drug,
And being around you is never a chore.
I can just be myself,
No need to impress,
You're not worried about appearances,
Or the way that I dress.
I really like you,
We hung out in town
You say you like me to,
And that around me you don't frown.
I'm so giddy,
So hyper & I'm enjoying this fun,
Thank god that I'm not a priest,
Hell, thank god I'm not a nun!
I want more hugs,
That's all I have to ask,
So can I have one more?
Before my energy drains from it's flask?
Doesn't Go Together. Just A Feel & Want Thing
Wishing that my soul,
Could filter out this pain,
I wish that could just wash away,
As if I were in the rain.
I fear that I'm lost,
Just running around,
I know that one day,
My feet won't find the ground.
I'll just keep falling,
Through this life & this place,
Until the days just pass me by,
Even if it's at an incredibly slow pace.
I just want this to end,
I've hated life since that day,
But certain people still want me around,
They keep telling me to stay.
It's too bad that I can't ignore them,
A shame I can't just leave,
But there they are,
Constantly insisting that I breathe.
I want to cry out,
& tell them to leave me alone,
But I'm afraid that if I do,
I might just become a drone.
I don't like the pain,
Involved in death's embrace,
Even if my sleep,
Is haunted by pictures of her face.
I can't just end my life,
By any means at all,
I know it won't solve anything,
It could even lead to a friend's downfall.
So I've decided to move,
Come this July,
& I hope to go back to the way I was,
On this idea I rely.
I can't wait to get away from here,
There's nothing I want to see,,
I do have some feelings are so strong though,
That they really do hurt me.
It's at these times,
That my depression takes hold,
I turn my head & look away,
The decision in my head is sold.
I've given up on making friends,
Or trying to start anew,
These feelings are overwhelming,
What else does anyone expect me to do!?
I really just want to shut down,
To ignore everyone & disappear,
But I know if I'm unable to do that,
I know that this answer is clear.
If I take just one glance back,
At some earlier days in my life,
I really was happy back then,
There was never any of this strife.
I would give anything & everything,
Just to go back to then,
If only I had a machine to go back in time,
I'd know exactly where to go & when.
That's all I'm holding onto now,
I've given up on the rest,
I'll just hold onto these memories,
The ones that were best.
I've been looking all this time,
Since that day months ago,
To see if I could find love,
If I could find my other vertigo.
Out of all the people in the world,
They say there is only one,
That you really & truly have feelings for,
That will be rivalled by none.
I know that this is true,
I don't feel the same for anyone else,
I care strongly for a few,
But nothing more, nothing else.
My armor is back up,
So for those that I trust,
I'm no longer letting people in,
& I'm sorry if our friendships turn to dust.
This isn't the end,
That much I assure you,
I'm still going to at least half attempt life,
I'm sure that will do...
A New-ish Perspective
Lately my head's been jumbled,
Full of questions & stress,
As if I've been playing,
A losing game of chess.
Just beneath that surface,
My emotions have been rumbling,
I want to do so many things,
But if I do my world will be scattered, crumbling.
There was a quote I discovered,
& emphasized on,
One that could take me,
From being a pawn.
'In my hands lay the means,
& in my heart lies the will,
But my hands are bound by fiends,
& this knife through my chest bodes ill'.
I consider it a statement,
One that if I follow true,
Not only will I get in trouble,
I'll get smacked pretty hard too.
Even if it hurts me so,
I'll try to forget about the past,
I'll forgive my friends,
I have to if I want my future to last.
I know who I want to be,
Where I want to go,
Exactly what I want to do,
& who I never want to let go.
I don't know why I get depressed,
I never really cared,
But don't worry I won't die soon,
I'm way, way too scared.
I plan on staying here,
For as long as I can,
I'll improvise the rest of my days,
Who needs a plan?
If you have any questions,
I'll tell you no lies,
But remember that my answers,
Might not be a good prize.
Saying What's Bothering Me
Whenever I think,
My head really hurts,
I'm unable to focus,
I can barely even fold my shirts.
My minds been screwed up,
For I don't know how long,
& I've heard that for me to deal with this,
I have to be strong.
I haven't felt too much of anything,
Not love; or even hate,
It's like my emotions just left for a while,
& they're just coming back really late.
Now if I think,
I feel a sharp pain,
As if my hearts been stabbed,
But there is no blood stain.
I close my eyes,
& I feel the tears,
They're almost there,
But they've been kept back for years.
I just don't know,
What to do anymore,
Between all this pain,
& the other things that make me feel sore.
I'm know I'm going back,
To something that I shouldn't,
But with what's been going on in my life,
I mean come on, who wouldn't?
When I do get those moments,
That I'm able to think straight,
It's never of what I should be thinking about,
& these thoughts stay in my head late.
I feel somewhat trapped,
& I don't know why,
Between depression & waking up,
At that stage were I just want to die.
I always help people,
I offer before I think,
Then I'm left with nothing,
& the dirty dishes were left in the sink.
I know that I offered,
I never wanted anything return,
But when I wonder,
Will this help be my turn?
I'll end this now,
I'll let my breakdowns consume me,
All through the nights that follow,
During this time that is for me...
Proof Of Being Left Forgotten
I thought it was the heat,
That made me think of all these thoughts,
But after today I realized,
That Mother Nature wasn't calling the shots.
I listen to these songs,
& they all relate to me,
I never hear from my friends,
Let alone the ones I consider family.
I see the people in public,
All they do is stare,
So what if I'm not like them?
Who cares if I have blue hair?
I try to talk to my friends,
& all they do is disappear,
They always have other things to do,
I think their feelings are clear.
Some of them come over,
They ask to hang out & such,
They eat, use the computer,
Then they leave me without much.
There is something else,
That hurts me the most,
I feel like some fish,
That has washed up on the coast.
We had made plans,
Just you & I,
To go see a movie,
But you may as well have left me to die.
You ditched me again,
For your ex-boyfriend guy,
You probably forgot I existed,
All you wanted was to get high.
I don't how you did it,
Just pushed me out of your head,
When I never stop thinking about you,
& when you're not around my heart feels like lead.
I've always looked out for you all,
Always put all of you first,
Defended you at all times,
Even against the worst.
Now it's my turn,
To say what's on my mind,
& if you don't like it too bad,
This next part won't be kind.
None of you understand,
How my life has been,
To be neglected your whole life,
& everyone you grew up with was mean.
The stress in my life,
Has been unbearable lately,
But do I hear one word of comfort?
It's obvious that to you I don't matter & if I do it's not greatly.
After all, I'm just one person,
What difference could I make?
Like I said, no one would miss me,
& I've got nothing at stake.
So when you're done reading this,
I hope you'll consider how everyone feels,
Instead of thinking of yourself as the main character,
& of everyone else as the support that steals.
Untitled
A week or two ago,
My thoughts could barely flow,
I thought of death as a gift,
One that I'd never get to know.
I shut myself down,
Pushed everything away,
Couldn't wait for that cold embrace,
But I was still forced to stay.
Then when I came to my senses,
I felt the urge to talk to you,
& truth be told,
I was attracted to you too.
You said you were upset,
& I genuinely became concerned,
I didn't want you to end up like I did,
My attitude had completely turned.
I swore right there,
That I'd be here for you forever,
Without hesitation I made this promise,
I'd make sure you'd not be sad, never.
We started dating,
& I can truly say,
I haven't been this happy in a while,
I hope things stay this way.
I'll do anything to please you,
I'll do everything I can,
I can't stop thinking about you,
I'm happier than any other man.
I'm here for you now,
I'll never leave your side,
I'll do whatever it takes to stay with you,
Even if I have to cast away my pride.
I'm so happy to have met you,
So happy that I can call you mine,
I love you more than anything,
I hope this is some good luck sign.
You'll always be in my heart,
I hope you'll always be mine,
I pray that we may never part,
So that you can always be my sunshine...
Me? A mental & emotional wreck? Yeah, that sounds about right.....`
I can't handle this anymore,
I hate having my feelings ignored,
I'm sick of giving signs,
I hate saying the excuse "I'm bored".
I've devoted & slaved,
For you in the past,
I've come back to you again,
Doesn't that say that my love does last?
I'm annoying & selfish,
That much I know,
I have a hard time trusting,
But to explain why time would have to slow.
I've said it before,
My love will never bend,
But my heart's been shattered to pieces,
& I don't think it will mend.
There's so much I want to say to you,
That my head feels like it'll burst,
If I don't get to talk to you,
This condition only gets worst.
If I try to talk to you,
About something important,
You never pay attention,
You interrupt me with a rant.
I know I said I'd wait,
I'm still trying to be kind,
But on the inside I'm screaming,
Because you're always on my mind.
I want to be your friend,
Of that much I am sure,
But I'll disappear if you want me to,
That would be an easy order.
Until you read this,
I won't visit no more,
Cause I'm sick of my head hurting,
Or leaving there with my heart all sore....
The Choice...
As I slowly,
Came to terms with my past,
I became incredibly happy,
But it didn't last.
I slowly felt empty,
My feelings became lost,
I didn't know what this was,
But my happiness it had cost.
I shrugged it off,
It's so easy to pretend,
That nothing was wrong,
That things were beginning to mend.
But as with all things,
That people put off,
The situation became worst,
It affected my health & gave me a cough.
The depression came back,
This time harder than ever,
I felt myself screaming,
This torture won't end. Never.
As I paced my home,
I found a tool I could use,
A sturdy & strong rope,
I began to make the noose.
But as I picked this up,
Something threw me off-guard,
I heard people yelling at me,
Saying I was being a retard.
On the outside I was silent,
& I wanted to cry,
Because inside me people were fighting,
About whether or not I should die.
After the conflict,
I tossed the rope away,
This didn't solve the problem,
I know it'll happen again someday.
I know that this won't end,
I know my depression will last,
But I'm going to stay around for my friends,
I'll solve their problems & then solve mine last.
But if this does get to the point,
Where I choose that other path,
Then I hope you all can forgive me,
I hope you can hold back your wrath.
Death's Door
I stand at death's door,
I can not see why,
That everyone would fear it,
Why they wouldn't want to die.
It's just as any other,
Cept maybe some dark colour,
The doorknob is chipped,
From the nails of another.
I grasp the handle firmly,
Not letting my mind waver,
& I open the door effortlessly,
Hoping to be braver.
Through the threshold,
For what my eyes can see,
Is a room with a man,
Who's eyes are hidden from me.
He wears normal clothes,
Just a hoodie & some slacks,
The thing that stands out though,
Is the colour his skin lacks.
As pale as the moon,
He stands there alone,
Offering his hand,
Behind him; his throne.
He offers a salvation,
Merely a life beyond this,
But there's no gleam in his eyes,
Something's amiss.
I turn my back on him,
For the millionth time it seems,
The door closed behind me,
& I hear his frustrated screams.
I remember the first time,
That I turned on him before,
I had just seen the house,
& heard his voice beyond the door.
I've inched myself closer,
Every time I've been like this,
I don't know how much longer,
Until my hands join with his.
Well, that's all of them. Sorry if they're a bit....depressive but that's what I write about I guess. Thank god for such a high character use count in these posting boxes! Hope you enjoy them at least to some degree.
Something I Made Up In My Sleep
How is it, God
That you can't see
This emptiness engulfing me?
At first I thought,
How can this be?
Why was the one I loved taken from me?
The days went by & I saw my end,
That tunnel of light was around the next bend.
But before I took that turn I heard a call
At the store, in the mall.
I turned to a familiar voice,
To see a friend, the one of choice.
I wanted to say something, anything at all.
Something caught in my throat,
& the noise I made sounded like a dying boat.
I coughed & a substance arose.
A dark red liquid,
Like that of a rose.
I swallowed it back down & pretended nothing happened.
As the day continued,
I stood by this beauty,
Then the bell rang & I had to return to my duty.
The days went by & my thoughts deterred.
Had you seen my despair,
Had she truly returned?
A few days ago,
I did something dumb,
& the look she gave me.
It made me go numb.
Disbelieving, unsure.
Unaware of what's to come.
I felt like I was being avoided after that.
That little mistake made her cautious of me.
I was positive of that.
My little blasphemy,
I had ruined my chance,
A hope for what could have been,
My very last romance.
Could she forgive me?
Or am I at the end of my rope?
I guess the only thing I have left...
Is to hope.
Another Poem
The year's go by
& as I age,
I find I lose a lot
At each & every stage.
But recently,
It's hurt the most
My guard disappeared,
Lifted by a ghost.
My armor was gone,
Forever I thought,
Then I found
It was all for naught.
My heart hurt,
And I looked down,
This orange shirt had turned,
It became an unnatural shade of brown.
As I checked my stomach,
I soon found the cause,
I was bleeding,
There was even the plasmic gause.
Tears ran down,
My frozen cheeks,
My color faded,
To that of the snowiest peaks,
And there she stood,
The lady herself,
Staring as I tried to gain control of myself.
I'm sorry! I cried,
I knew not what I did
But then I died,
I commited the worst kind of sin.
A Poem for the Departed
The Siren gets up with a start,
Awoken by the beating of a dying teen's heart.
She is moved by this boy,
The one with red hair.
She sings to him her song
& sees his face is fair.
There's a hole in his stomach,
A tiny crevasse.
He had been wounded by complete & total love,
His eyes were as black as the depths of space.
He had lost the one he cared for
And his heart had burst,
His need for her was like an unquenchable thirst,
& then he died, a smile on his face.
He had moved on to see his loved one,
He was with her now in a better place.
A Day In My Head
The teen lays there gasping,
His dream has returned,
The scenery had shaken,
His visions deterred.
The boy used to run from a symbiote or two,
But that dream has gone,
It has been replaced anew.
The world had changed from summer to spring,
He looked around & discovered the familiar ring,
A promise he had made,
A long time ago,
Echoed through his head,
He whispered 'I know'.
The scenery had changed,
From bedroom to night,
He heard her crying,
He turned to answer her plight.
Transfixed upon the girl inside,
The sight of a hospital,
Did she reside,
The tears came unwillingly,
He didn't want them to flow,
He knew what would happen next,
He knew she would have to go.
By knife or needle,
By fire or gun,
She would lay there in pain,
Until death be redone,
His hand would be the one to do it,
For if anyone else tried,
Her pain would just be doubled,
And she would still preside.
And everytime he gathered up the courage,
She'd move farther away,
Taunting him,
For a night & a day.
The ring is on her finger,
The engraving glows blue,
It says "I'll always protect you,
I truly love you'.
At that point her death is quick,
His tears covered the blade,
And as they fell to the floor,
The scene would again change,
It was now quiet,
He was in an empty glade.
A grave lays in front,
Her name eched in stone,
His eyes lay upon the name,
And he lets out a moan,
The dream ends here,
His heart gives out,
His last noise is a groan.
Drenched in his sweat,
He gets out of bed,
He goes to the bathroom,
And washes his face; Hoping to clear his head.
The dream replays,
Again & again,
Then he must wonder,
Does he deserve all this dread?
A couple hours pass,
And he heads to school,
He's happy to see his friends,
He thinks they're really cool.
They all joke around.
He joins in too,
They talk about memories & shows,
He's glad they never ask about you.
There was a time,
She was brought up once,
And he just shuts down,
Then they changed subject; Saying he looks like a dunce.
His thoughts had changed too,
To that of a girl,
The one roaming the city,
And he thought of the hurtle.
This was an issue,
This little nightmare,
It involved his ex-girlfriend,
Would she even care?
The day would go by,
And he looks just fine,
But the thought trouble him,
Could he keep her?
Would she call him 'mine'?
He would meet her later,
And spend his time with her,
Time that was running out,
Or so he was told,
But he is unsure.
And then,
As night falls,
This poem will repeat,
The one of that teen,
Whose heart has given in to defeat....
Another Dreaded Thing
I'm feeling different,
Though not unlike before,
I feel like I'm being toyed,
This relationship was never for my pleasure,
It was nothing at all.
This is the story of my life,
Short, sad, & true.
It's really not my fault,
That the only thing on my mind is you.
It's shame I admit,
That you don't feel the same,
It's driving me crazy,
Why can't I be tame?
I just wanted someone,
I felt I could trust,
But for some reason this time,
I already feel the rust.
The trying has crumbled,
I no longer care,
& for a time now I'll always just stare,
Not at anyone,
Nowhere at all,
I'll let the world crumble,
I'll let it all fall.
Something More Personal
There was another,
I could once trust,
Mainly because I told myself,
I have to place my faith in her; I must.
I was lied to,
I knew it had happened,
Again & again,
My emotions dampened.
My heart was being toyed with,
I even think it is now,
I mean; who completely ignores their boyfriend?
How bad must I feel betrayed towards thou?
You became oblivious to me,
As if I wasn't even there,
You ignored me entirely,
I might as well have been as invisible as air.
The moment he showed up,
You brushed me aside,
The unrealness of this relationship,
It made my reality collide.
I want things to work,
But I can't handle much more of this,
I hope we can work things out,
I don't want this to end with nothing but a hiss.
But the look you had given me,
It was ever so rude,
This look was one of hate,
Of rejection, it was crude.
I'm not going to lie,
I felt depressed,
This feeling you have me on,
It's getting me stressed.
If this keeps on going,
Then I don't think this will last,
If this keeps on going,
Then this may become nothing more than the past.
Betrayed Again
I knew this was coming,
I could feel it in my bones,
I've been used again,
These sticks were accompanied by stones.
I'm glad I had already decided to end it,
You were unaware at the time,
I no longer felt compassion towards you,
I had thought of it as some kind of crime.
I know in my heart now,
That this had been a sign,
I did not truly love her,
I could not call her mine.
However, now my head is jumbled,
I don't know what to do,
My thoughts are on another,
But I'm not sure if I should ask you.
I will not ask just yet,
I know it is too soon,
But will it be too late by then?
Will I be stuck in some sort of monsoon?
Anyways,
Until that day,
My depression will consume me,
I'll just sit by you until this year's end.
Hoping that you don't see through me...
Fading Tears & Recoiling Emotions
My life has been fading,
Since that fated day,
My mind lays in ruins,
But everyone's forcing me to stay.
I just want to end it,
This stress has been killing me,
But they're always there supporting,
They're telling me that I'm free.
I once heard a song,
It spoke of things I would do,
Like slaving for love,
& the constant running too.
I hate being a coward,
My fears always consume me,
I've also been selfish,
I'm not lying; truly.
The people are there,
They always chew me out,
If I tell them I want to disappear,
They just begin to shout.
I apologize hastily,
But they continue on,
It gives me a headache,
Why can't this feeling begone?
Why must my smile be fake?
Why must I be so kind?
Why can't I just be me?
You know what? I'll just...no, never mind.
I might as well continue,
Changing as I move,
From a child, to an adult,
Then somewhere in between that groove.
I'm being pushed beyond my limits,
Unable to move forward,
Without that simple command,
I'll just remain here; stiff as a board.
Why do I make myself suffer?
Why do I help people out?
I always just get the consequences,
I'm always left wanting to shout.
I once heard a phrase,
I heard it out of the blue,
Life is like a game we play,
I thought was fairly true.
I've always been good at games,
It's always come naturally,
Never thinking, always solving,
Never stopping drastically.
Then why is this game so hard?
Why can't I cruise through it?
Why am I always failing?
But I am unable to lose it?
I'm sick of these second chances.
Of these, newfound feelings & thoughts,
Why can't they go away?
My head feels like it's being twisted into knots.
I'll wrap this up,
Quick, simple, & fast,
I'm sick of waiting for this moment,
How long will this last?
Clouded By These Thoughts Of You
My mind has wandered,
My thoughts are of you,
I did not want them there,
But you saw that they made it through.
A future I had once thought,
Had been lost forever,
It seems that was naught,
We might actually be together.
Despite my protesting,
My hopes are starting to rise,
My instincts keep telling me,
'Why do you believe in her lies?'
I don't believe that's what they are,
Cause I look back at that time,
I lived with my mom then,
This was before I began to rhyme.
She showed no signs of lying,
Of frustration nor guilt,
I didn't know what she saw in me,
The one scrawnily built.
I can not think straight,
This thought is roaming free,
This thought about another chance,
About you & about me.
A part of me still disagrees,
It often drives me mad,
Like a dog when it has fleas.
I've already decided,
What I'm going to do,
But I'll leave you guessing,
Until I next see you...
Untitled
Depression again,
Has taken its toll,
It's eating away at me,
From the very depths of my soul.
Why must I feel like this?
Everything was going so well,
But now I feel so empty,
As if I'm back on my one-way trip to hell.
I'm sitting here dizzy,
Overwhelmed by my thoughts,
My instincts, my fears,
All these mixed & matched knots.
I have a headache,
This feeling's taken control,
I'll just stay right here waiting,
Until this depression is done with its toll.
I just want this to end,
Or was is it about to start?
I don't know; however,
I do know that I played my part.
I'm always the fool,
Sometimes I play cupid,
But that's all I can do,
Or else people just think I'm stupid.
My hopes always rise,
Then they all fall,
I guess this could be,
Compared to a ball.
I'll sit right here waiting,
This annoying person of me,
Even though I know that future,
Will probably never be....
A Smile
I can't believe it,
It must not be true,
I've never been happier,
Since I've spent this time with you.
I didn't have to fake it,
A smile or mood,
You're the only thing on my mind,
Well, you & maybe some food.
I really like this feeling,
I want this to last,
I never want to let this go,
I won't let it fade into the past.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
But I must see you once more,
Your presence to me is like a drug,
And being around you is never a chore.
I can just be myself,
No need to impress,
You're not worried about appearances,
Or the way that I dress.
I really like you,
We hung out in town
You say you like me to,
And that around me you don't frown.
I'm so giddy,
So hyper & I'm enjoying this fun,
Thank god that I'm not a priest,
Hell, thank god I'm not a nun!
I want more hugs,
That's all I have to ask,
So can I have one more?
Before my energy drains from it's flask?
Doesn't Go Together. Just A Feel & Want Thing
Wishing that my soul,
Could filter out this pain,
I wish that could just wash away,
As if I were in the rain.
I fear that I'm lost,
Just running around,
I know that one day,
My feet won't find the ground.
I'll just keep falling,
Through this life & this place,
Until the days just pass me by,
Even if it's at an incredibly slow pace.
I just want this to end,
I've hated life since that day,
But certain people still want me around,
They keep telling me to stay.
It's too bad that I can't ignore them,
A shame I can't just leave,
But there they are,
Constantly insisting that I breathe.
I want to cry out,
& tell them to leave me alone,
But I'm afraid that if I do,
I might just become a drone.
I don't like the pain,
Involved in death's embrace,
Even if my sleep,
Is haunted by pictures of her face.
I can't just end my life,
By any means at all,
I know it won't solve anything,
It could even lead to a friend's downfall.
So I've decided to move,
Come this July,
& I hope to go back to the way I was,
On this idea I rely.
I can't wait to get away from here,
There's nothing I want to see,,
I do have some feelings are so strong though,
That they really do hurt me.
It's at these times,
That my depression takes hold,
I turn my head & look away,
The decision in my head is sold.
I've given up on making friends,
Or trying to start anew,
These feelings are overwhelming,
What else does anyone expect me to do!?
I really just want to shut down,
To ignore everyone & disappear,
But I know if I'm unable to do that,
I know that this answer is clear.
If I take just one glance back,
At some earlier days in my life,
I really was happy back then,
There was never any of this strife.
I would give anything & everything,
Just to go back to then,
If only I had a machine to go back in time,
I'd know exactly where to go & when.
That's all I'm holding onto now,
I've given up on the rest,
I'll just hold onto these memories,
The ones that were best.
I've been looking all this time,
Since that day months ago,
To see if I could find love,
If I could find my other vertigo.
Out of all the people in the world,
They say there is only one,
That you really & truly have feelings for,
That will be rivalled by none.
I know that this is true,
I don't feel the same for anyone else,
I care strongly for a few,
But nothing more, nothing else.
My armor is back up,
So for those that I trust,
I'm no longer letting people in,
& I'm sorry if our friendships turn to dust.
This isn't the end,
That much I assure you,
I'm still going to at least half attempt life,
I'm sure that will do...
A New-ish Perspective
Lately my head's been jumbled,
Full of questions & stress,
As if I've been playing,
A losing game of chess.
Just beneath that surface,
My emotions have been rumbling,
I want to do so many things,
But if I do my world will be scattered, crumbling.
There was a quote I discovered,
& emphasized on,
One that could take me,
From being a pawn.
'In my hands lay the means,
& in my heart lies the will,
But my hands are bound by fiends,
& this knife through my chest bodes ill'.
I consider it a statement,
One that if I follow true,
Not only will I get in trouble,
I'll get smacked pretty hard too.
Even if it hurts me so,
I'll try to forget about the past,
I'll forgive my friends,
I have to if I want my future to last.
I know who I want to be,
Where I want to go,
Exactly what I want to do,
& who I never want to let go.
I don't know why I get depressed,
I never really cared,
But don't worry I won't die soon,
I'm way, way too scared.
I plan on staying here,
For as long as I can,
I'll improvise the rest of my days,
Who needs a plan?
If you have any questions,
I'll tell you no lies,
But remember that my answers,
Might not be a good prize.
Saying What's Bothering Me
Whenever I think,
My head really hurts,
I'm unable to focus,
I can barely even fold my shirts.
My minds been screwed up,
For I don't know how long,
& I've heard that for me to deal with this,
I have to be strong.
I haven't felt too much of anything,
Not love; or even hate,
It's like my emotions just left for a while,
& they're just coming back really late.
Now if I think,
I feel a sharp pain,
As if my hearts been stabbed,
But there is no blood stain.
I close my eyes,
& I feel the tears,
They're almost there,
But they've been kept back for years.
I just don't know,
What to do anymore,
Between all this pain,
& the other things that make me feel sore.
I'm know I'm going back,
To something that I shouldn't,
But with what's been going on in my life,
I mean come on, who wouldn't?
When I do get those moments,
That I'm able to think straight,
It's never of what I should be thinking about,
& these thoughts stay in my head late.
I feel somewhat trapped,
& I don't know why,
Between depression & waking up,
At that stage were I just want to die.
I always help people,
I offer before I think,
Then I'm left with nothing,
& the dirty dishes were left in the sink.
I know that I offered,
I never wanted anything return,
But when I wonder,
Will this help be my turn?
I'll end this now,
I'll let my breakdowns consume me,
All through the nights that follow,
During this time that is for me...
Proof Of Being Left Forgotten
I thought it was the heat,
That made me think of all these thoughts,
But after today I realized,
That Mother Nature wasn't calling the shots.
I listen to these songs,
& they all relate to me,
I never hear from my friends,
Let alone the ones I consider family.
I see the people in public,
All they do is stare,
So what if I'm not like them?
Who cares if I have blue hair?
I try to talk to my friends,
& all they do is disappear,
They always have other things to do,
I think their feelings are clear.
Some of them come over,
They ask to hang out & such,
They eat, use the computer,
Then they leave me without much.
There is something else,
That hurts me the most,
I feel like some fish,
That has washed up on the coast.
We had made plans,
Just you & I,
To go see a movie,
But you may as well have left me to die.
You ditched me again,
For your ex-boyfriend guy,
You probably forgot I existed,
All you wanted was to get high.
I don't how you did it,
Just pushed me out of your head,
When I never stop thinking about you,
& when you're not around my heart feels like lead.
I've always looked out for you all,
Always put all of you first,
Defended you at all times,
Even against the worst.
Now it's my turn,
To say what's on my mind,
& if you don't like it too bad,
This next part won't be kind.
None of you understand,
How my life has been,
To be neglected your whole life,
& everyone you grew up with was mean.
The stress in my life,
Has been unbearable lately,
But do I hear one word of comfort?
It's obvious that to you I don't matter & if I do it's not greatly.
After all, I'm just one person,
What difference could I make?
Like I said, no one would miss me,
& I've got nothing at stake.
So when you're done reading this,
I hope you'll consider how everyone feels,
Instead of thinking of yourself as the main character,
& of everyone else as the support that steals.
Untitled
A week or two ago,
My thoughts could barely flow,
I thought of death as a gift,
One that I'd never get to know.
I shut myself down,
Pushed everything away,
Couldn't wait for that cold embrace,
But I was still forced to stay.
Then when I came to my senses,
I felt the urge to talk to you,
& truth be told,
I was attracted to you too.
You said you were upset,
& I genuinely became concerned,
I didn't want you to end up like I did,
My attitude had completely turned.
I swore right there,
That I'd be here for you forever,
Without hesitation I made this promise,
I'd make sure you'd not be sad, never.
We started dating,
& I can truly say,
I haven't been this happy in a while,
I hope things stay this way.
I'll do anything to please you,
I'll do everything I can,
I can't stop thinking about you,
I'm happier than any other man.
I'm here for you now,
I'll never leave your side,
I'll do whatever it takes to stay with you,
Even if I have to cast away my pride.
I'm so happy to have met you,
So happy that I can call you mine,
I love you more than anything,
I hope this is some good luck sign.
You'll always be in my heart,
I hope you'll always be mine,
I pray that we may never part,
So that you can always be my sunshine...
Me? A mental & emotional wreck? Yeah, that sounds about right.....`
I can't handle this anymore,
I hate having my feelings ignored,
I'm sick of giving signs,
I hate saying the excuse "I'm bored".
I've devoted & slaved,
For you in the past,
I've come back to you again,
Doesn't that say that my love does last?
I'm annoying & selfish,
That much I know,
I have a hard time trusting,
But to explain why time would have to slow.
I've said it before,
My love will never bend,
But my heart's been shattered to pieces,
& I don't think it will mend.
There's so much I want to say to you,
That my head feels like it'll burst,
If I don't get to talk to you,
This condition only gets worst.
If I try to talk to you,
About something important,
You never pay attention,
You interrupt me with a rant.
I know I said I'd wait,
I'm still trying to be kind,
But on the inside I'm screaming,
Because you're always on my mind.
I want to be your friend,
Of that much I am sure,
But I'll disappear if you want me to,
That would be an easy order.
Until you read this,
I won't visit no more,
Cause I'm sick of my head hurting,
Or leaving there with my heart all sore....
The Choice...
As I slowly,
Came to terms with my past,
I became incredibly happy,
But it didn't last.
I slowly felt empty,
My feelings became lost,
I didn't know what this was,
But my happiness it had cost.
I shrugged it off,
It's so easy to pretend,
That nothing was wrong,
That things were beginning to mend.
But as with all things,
That people put off,
The situation became worst,
It affected my health & gave me a cough.
The depression came back,
This time harder than ever,
I felt myself screaming,
This torture won't end. Never.
As I paced my home,
I found a tool I could use,
A sturdy & strong rope,
I began to make the noose.
But as I picked this up,
Something threw me off-guard,
I heard people yelling at me,
Saying I was being a retard.
On the outside I was silent,
& I wanted to cry,
Because inside me people were fighting,
About whether or not I should die.
After the conflict,
I tossed the rope away,
This didn't solve the problem,
I know it'll happen again someday.
I know that this won't end,
I know my depression will last,
But I'm going to stay around for my friends,
I'll solve their problems & then solve mine last.
But if this does get to the point,
Where I choose that other path,
Then I hope you all can forgive me,
I hope you can hold back your wrath.
Death's Door
I stand at death's door,
I can not see why,
That everyone would fear it,
Why they wouldn't want to die.
It's just as any other,
Cept maybe some dark colour,
The doorknob is chipped,
From the nails of another.
I grasp the handle firmly,
Not letting my mind waver,
& I open the door effortlessly,
Hoping to be braver.
Through the threshold,
For what my eyes can see,
Is a room with a man,
Who's eyes are hidden from me.
He wears normal clothes,
Just a hoodie & some slacks,
The thing that stands out though,
Is the colour his skin lacks.
As pale as the moon,
He stands there alone,
Offering his hand,
Behind him; his throne.
He offers a salvation,
Merely a life beyond this,
But there's no gleam in his eyes,
Something's amiss.
I turn my back on him,
For the millionth time it seems,
The door closed behind me,
& I hear his frustrated screams.
I remember the first time,
That I turned on him before,
I had just seen the house,
& heard his voice beyond the door.
I've inched myself closer,
Every time I've been like this,
I don't know how much longer,
Until my hands join with his.
Well, that's all of them. Sorry if they're a bit....depressive but that's what I write about I guess. Thank god for such a high character use count in these posting boxes! Hope you enjoy them at least to some degree.